A asks:

I was wondering, if you choose to share, how you had adjusted to L leaving for an overnight trip with Someone Else. If you found a way through that fear – or if you didn’t – and whether it changed things for you, or her, or your marriage. What are you scared of? And, knowing fears are born of dark imaginings and not always evidence, how do you counter it?

A is referring to my post on L’s overnight trip, “On Her Way.”.

First, I do have be a bit of a tease. There are some things related to that event that I won’t discuss, but are very significant. Maybe someday. Not now.

Unfortunately the rest of my explanation is somewhat dependent on the above secret. So you won’t be able to get the full story. But I’ll try to make do.

I wouldn’t quite describe my emotions when I wrote that post as fear, though that was part of the mix. It was more like loss. I felt partly empty as she left. She is what fills me up inside, and when she left to go with Someone Else, I could feel the gap.

The way through it was simply to soldier on. I wrote that post minutes after she left, and it helped a bit. I received some supportive comment from friends, and that helped too. Then I pushed myself into the workday. Distraction might not be a long-term solution, but I don’t know of anything better when I need an immediate effect. I had a great lunch with another friend that day too, and then a chat in the evening with B.

By the end of the day I was feeling bolstered enough that I could get through the toughest parts without too much trepidation: coming home to an empty house, talking to her on the phone while she’s away, and then going to bed alone.

I was reflecting on this today in fact. Having multiple partners of your own implies that they have multiple partners too. Logistically, that means that you run the risk of being without a partner at any given time; schedules get too complex to ensure that you’ll be with partner B when partner A is away. (No alphabetical puns intended.) So, there’s a bit of a paradox: to be successful at having multiple partners, you have to be OK with being alone. Not being bound by exclusivity means that you can expect that of others either, and eventually the stars will align such that you’re on your own.

Fortunately, that’s not a problem for me, so I can manage it — especially if I know it’s temporary. And that’s the other major part of how I worked though her absence: I knew that she was coming back the day after. Gradually, I’ll be able to work up to longer periods of too. We’ve already been separated before for multiple weeks (due to family duties). Being separated due to another person is something I’ll be able to accept — as long as its temporary. If it was permanent, it would be a different story entirely.

Our marriage has been rapidly changing as we walk down this path. This overnight trip was simply one step on it. It wasn’t a revolutionary event — and I’m very glad for that. I don’t want big shocks, as nobody knows what might shake the structure to the ground. Small ones we can handle.