Geez, over four months since I last wrote. Time to get back in the saddle.

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In the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a few people approach me and ask me about my kink role (dominant/submissive, etc). They’ve usually guessed something tending towards “wrong” — and that’s bothered me to some degree.

I do not blame them though. People see what they see and make their best guess. They can’t know what goes on inside someone’s head. And that’s what’s inspiring me to write now after a long absence. Not only can I reveal myself to the world, but I can explore my own inner workings. It’s great blog fodder too.

I believe more in “behaviour” over “identity”: let yourself be defined by what you do rather than what you call yourself. That’s a big deal in alternative sexuality, where we have a lot of labels — some of which go to the very core of our personality. Kudos to those whose behaviour is so focused that they can claim an absolute identity. I however, cannot see myself as anything other than a mix of adjectives (and one that is in constant evolution).

Here’s what I consider myself, as of right now:

Core

I want things to be better than what they are now. I want progress. I want problems to be solved.

If someone else isn’t already making things happen, then I want to be the one to do it. It gives me great satisfaction to achieve something, especially if it’s enduring; it’s my tiny mark on a large world. It’s my route to the appreciation and respect of others.

BDSM

FetLife has a encompassing list of roles; I’ll touch on the ones most applicable to me.

Dominant

Domination is an extension of my desire to create. I want to create erotic scenes that exhilarate people, primarily within the mind of my bottom and for those who may be observing. I want to be the one who directs and shapes the scene. In that space, it is mine to construct, and I am responsible for its success or failure.

Knowing how to do it well is another matter. It’s something that I’ve book-learned for years. Now I have a chance to put it into practice. It will take time and patience to make work, but I am dedicated to it; it’s very important to me.

Top

I top (note the verb) in order to accomplish my goals. Often that is part of domination, but it does not have to be. To me, topping is simply the act of doing; domination means taking over. I can top without dominating, and will if the situation calls for it. However, it does not excite me in the same way as domination.

Master

I interpret this in the sense of being a long-term, high-protocol, possibly 24/7 Dominant; in a sense, the peak of the BDSM pyramid. To me this is a lofty goal, and I’m not even certain it’s something I want. It’s tempting, but I have a sense that I might be a less-fun-in-reality-than-in-fantasy thing for me. Still, I’ve met some very respect-worthy people in the Calgary community who make me aspire to this role in the future.

Sadist

I do not think I am essentially a sadist, at least not for the sake of sadism itself (unlike some of the people I’ve met). I certainly do sadistic things, but they are usually in support of domination and/or topping. Occasionally my anti-sadistic feelings (what less enlightened people might call a “conscience”) will get the better of me.

Bottom

I like to experience things, and BDSM is a very wide world of things to experience. Despite my fundamental preference for top-y-ness, I do like to receive as well. Whereas topping and domination are mentally stimulating for me, bottoming is physically stimulating. And sometimes it’s nice to not spend so much energy to be a part of a scene. Bottoming is like being taken for a ride.

Also, I enjoy spectacle. I like watching, and I’m beginning to enjoy being watched too (at least with an appreciative audience). Being a bottom is an easy route to this. Eventually I want to be able to be able to put on a good show as a top, but that’s something I’ll have to grow into.

submissive

I have much more complicated attitude towards submission than bottoming.

Sometimes when bottoming, I want to be entirely passive; to have things done to me with little action on my part. This is “submission” at its most literal, and it’s something that I crave from time to time.

That’s about where it ends though. Many of the things traditionally associated with submissives are things that I’m ambivalent about — and sometimes actively hostile towards (for myself). While I like to help people, and like to do things in service of the greater good, being expected to serve somebody on their whim is something I hate. If I serve you, it is at my discretion, not yours.

slave

I really doubt I could ever do this, or have any desire to do so. Freedom is one of my most important possessions. Losing it, voluntarily or otherwise, is abhorrent to me. (But kudos to those who enjoy and desire this.)

Masochist

Not me. It’s too bad really. I know quite a few and they seem to have a lot of fun — and no shortage of people wanting to play with them. I might pain-play for the experience but it doesn’t turn me on in any physical way.

Switch

I have a bit of a problem with this term as it’s used commonly. Even the most domliest of Dominants has probably, at some point, been a bottom of some sort. Perhaps they’ll enjoy it again in the future, at certain times or with certain people. Perhaps they bottom casually to help out a friend or a demonstration. The same applies for hardcore subs and slaves. Does that make them switches? Doesn’t that apply to everyone?

I see D/s as a spectrum; there’s gradations of top & bottom behaviour. If you’re going to divide it into areas of “Dom”, “Sub”, and “Switch”, make it three equal parts. This leaves plenty of room for a Dominant to occasionally bottom while still being “a Dominant.”

If I had to place myself on this scale (both in terms of behaviour and desired behaviour), I’d be in the Dominant range, within sight of Switch. I think it’s a fine place to be.

Fetishist

This is sort of an umbrella term. I like to apply it to “things” (in contrast to “activities”). Stuff like specific clothing, materials, toys, body parts, etc. Perhaps you could lump specific roleplay scenarios in here too.

None of this really triggers me. I like certain fet-wear for the aesthetic and social aspects, but it’s not a real turn-on. I don’t really get into any particular roleplay. I want toys and items for their practical use; there’s no ritualistic aspect for me. I’m all about the doing.

Gender-Related Issues

I’m pretty much exclusively heterosexual. I have little desire or fantasy to be sexual with other men (NTTAWWT). I’m also not into feminization of any variety. At the same time, I don’t care much for ultra-masculine displays.

Aesthetically and sexually, I’m a fan of femininity. But these days I’m not bothered by masculine sexuality either (after training myself out of being so for a long while). I haven’t met any transgendered folk, but they have my support.

More?

Feel free to ask me anything. You can leave a question here, on Formspring, or anywhere else you can.

I had my first extramarital and kinky encounter yesterday with B, a friend from the Scene here in Calgary.

This isn’t quite a gory details post. We played for over ten hours, and there’s no way I can remember all the nitty gritty. But I will sexify it as much as possible.

B and I had met online just two weeks ago. Chat lead to dinner, and dinner lead to a promise to play on Canada Day, which we both had off. Buildup ensued…

Shopping came first. This being Cow Town, there’s a Lammles Western Wear and Tack Shop nearby. I went in to get the only item I could ever envision buying in a place like that: a riding crop. Next was Petsmart for a dog collar, and Home Depot for rope and chain. Protip: get your chain for a collar leash at Home Depot instead of Petsmart; it’s one third the price and you can customize it to your liking. Also, I discovered that it’s nigh impossible to find EMT / safety / get-me-the-fuck-out-of-these-ropes shears at any non-specialty-medical store in this city; none of the drug stores even know what they are. Fortunately I had an acceptable backup. Update: Crap, MEC sells them. Well, I’m making a trip today.

Thursday came and brought with it much housecleaning, primping, and nervousness. L was very kind enough to make herself scarce for the day, so B and I had the house to ourselves. When I picked her up, I gave her a big hug and a kiss; I had told her before that I was going to do this, but it still took her a bit by surprise.

B is a very shy and reserved person. However, she also knows what she wants and freely expresses it. The division in her manner is very stark and a bit surreal; she’ll boisterously talk about wanting to be spanked and otherwise abused, but change the subject even slightly to a different area (even one that is related) and she’ll become exceedingly bashful. I love this about her. She is so adorable when she’s embarrassed, and seeing her in that state really turns me on. (She also enjoys it too, so I don’t feel bad about pushing those particular buttons.)

She was also very nervous at our first encounter, which in turn helped me. To compensate and reassure her, I boost my outward confidence. Consequently, I increase my Domliness, which she very much enjoys. This positive feedback loop is exactly what I look for.

I kissed her, caressed her. I stripped her down, I led her around. I gave her orders and she (mostly) obeyed. I moved slowly and enjoyed every minute of it. This was what I’d been waiting for for so many years.

B is a pain slut, a true masochist. She needs the hurt. I was quite happy to give it to her too. I beat her with almost everything I could get my hands on (and my hands too). I made all sorts of marks and slappy noises. I twisted, pulled, bit, and clamped her nipples until she couldn’t stand even gentle touches. I pulled her hair, pulled on her chain, bit her ass, and dug my fingers into her welts. She in turn gave me amazing gasps, moans, screams, and cries. She couldn’t hold still, but that was fine, because it gave me an excuse to hold her down. If I didn’t know she wanted this, then I would have felt bad — but there was no hesitation on my part the entire night. I am very proud of that.

She asked me later what my favorite part was. I thought about that and gave her this answer. None of the particular activities turn me on per se. What gets me going is the reaction I get. Seeing her face light up in agony and knowing that she wants it is what drives me. Knowing that I can give her what she wants turns me on.

Playing with B for my first time was ideal. She has a high pain tolerance, so I don’t have to work about holding back too much. If anything, I was too gentle at times, but it’s easy to escalate. Conversely, I was able to give her too much pain too; at first I was concerned that this wouldn’t be the case. This means that I know I can bracket both ends of the intensity spectrum. I was also able to find the sweet spot relatively easily. B is also very communicative; she has no qualms about asking for more, less, or different. As a new Domlet I really couldn’t ask for anything more.

On the other hand, I need a lot more practice on my rope bondage skills.

Looking back, I’m very glad that we had negotiated & discussed as much as we did in advance. As well as the physical factors, there were a lot of emotional events that came up for us. But because I knew more or less what to expect, I was able to take them in stride and not overreact.

And, after all was said and done, we both had a really good time.

I’ve created a page to keep track of all the people, names, and aliases I’m using in my blog. It’s confusing otherwise.