Geez, over four months since I last wrote. Time to get back in the saddle.
In the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a few people approach me and ask me about my kink role (dominant/submissive, etc). They’ve usually guessed something tending towards “wrong” — and that’s bothered me to some degree.
I do not blame them though. People see what they see and make their best guess. They can’t know what goes on inside someone’s head. And that’s what’s inspiring me to write now after a long absence. Not only can I reveal myself to the world, but I can explore my own inner workings. It’s great blog fodder too.
I believe more in “behaviour” over “identity”: let yourself be defined by what you do rather than what you call yourself. That’s a big deal in alternative sexuality, where we have a lot of labels — some of which go to the very core of our personality. Kudos to those whose behaviour is so focused that they can claim an absolute identity. I however, cannot see myself as anything other than a mix of adjectives (and one that is in constant evolution).
Here’s what I consider myself, as of right now:
I want things to be better than what they are now. I want progress. I want problems to be solved.
If someone else isn’t already making things happen, then I want to be the one to do it. It gives me great satisfaction to achieve something, especially if it’s enduring; it’s my tiny mark on a large world. It’s my route to the appreciation and respect of others.
FetLife has a encompassing list of roles; I’ll touch on the ones most applicable to me.
Domination is an extension of my desire to create. I want to create erotic scenes that exhilarate people, primarily within the mind of my bottom and for those who may be observing. I want to be the one who directs and shapes the scene. In that space, it is mine to construct, and I am responsible for its success or failure.
Knowing how to do it well is another matter. It’s something that I’ve book-learned for years. Now I have a chance to put it into practice. It will take time and patience to make work, but I am dedicated to it; it’s very important to me.
I top (note the verb) in order to accomplish my goals. Often that is part of domination, but it does not have to be. To me, topping is simply the act of doing; domination means taking over. I can top without dominating, and will if the situation calls for it. However, it does not excite me in the same way as domination.
I interpret this in the sense of being a long-term, high-protocol, possibly 24/7 Dominant; in a sense, the peak of the BDSM pyramid. To me this is a lofty goal, and I’m not even certain it’s something I want. It’s tempting, but I have a sense that I might be a less-fun-in-reality-than-in-fantasy thing for me. Still, I’ve met some very respect-worthy people in the Calgary community who make me aspire to this role in the future.
I do not think I am essentially a sadist, at least not for the sake of sadism itself (unlike some of the people I’ve met). I certainly do sadistic things, but they are usually in support of domination and/or topping. Occasionally my anti-sadistic feelings (what less enlightened people might call a “conscience”) will get the better of me.
I like to experience things, and BDSM is a very wide world of things to experience. Despite my fundamental preference for top-y-ness, I do like to receive as well. Whereas topping and domination are mentally stimulating for me, bottoming is physically stimulating. And sometimes it’s nice to not spend so much energy to be a part of a scene. Bottoming is like being taken for a ride.
Also, I enjoy spectacle. I like watching, and I’m beginning to enjoy being watched too (at least with an appreciative audience). Being a bottom is an easy route to this. Eventually I want to be able to be able to put on a good show as a top, but that’s something I’ll have to grow into.
I have much more complicated attitude towards submission than bottoming.
Sometimes when bottoming, I want to be entirely passive; to have things done to me with little action on my part. This is “submission” at its most literal, and it’s something that I crave from time to time.
That’s about where it ends though. Many of the things traditionally associated with submissives are things that I’m ambivalent about — and sometimes actively hostile towards (for myself). While I like to help people, and like to do things in service of the greater good, being expected to serve somebody on their whim is something I hate. If I serve you, it is at my discretion, not yours.
I really doubt I could ever do this, or have any desire to do so. Freedom is one of my most important possessions. Losing it, voluntarily or otherwise, is abhorrent to me. (But kudos to those who enjoy and desire this.)
Not me. It’s too bad really. I know quite a few and they seem to have a lot of fun — and no shortage of people wanting to play with them. I might pain-play for the experience but it doesn’t turn me on in any physical way.
I have a bit of a problem with this term as it’s used commonly. Even the most domliest of Dominants has probably, at some point, been a bottom of some sort. Perhaps they’ll enjoy it again in the future, at certain times or with certain people. Perhaps they bottom casually to help out a friend or a demonstration. The same applies for hardcore subs and slaves. Does that make them switches? Doesn’t that apply to everyone?
I see D/s as a spectrum; there’s gradations of top & bottom behaviour. If you’re going to divide it into areas of “Dom”, “Sub”, and “Switch”, make it three equal parts. This leaves plenty of room for a Dominant to occasionally bottom while still being “a Dominant.”
If I had to place myself on this scale (both in terms of behaviour and desired behaviour), I’d be in the Dominant range, within sight of Switch. I think it’s a fine place to be.
This is sort of an umbrella term. I like to apply it to “things” (in contrast to “activities”). Stuff like specific clothing, materials, toys, body parts, etc. Perhaps you could lump specific roleplay scenarios in here too.
None of this really triggers me. I like certain fet-wear for the aesthetic and social aspects, but it’s not a real turn-on. I don’t really get into any particular roleplay. I want toys and items for their practical use; there’s no ritualistic aspect for me. I’m all about the doing.
I’m pretty much exclusively heterosexual. I have little desire or fantasy to be sexual with other men (NTTAWWT). I’m also not into feminization of any variety. At the same time, I don’t care much for ultra-masculine displays.
Aesthetically and sexually, I’m a fan of femininity. But these days I’m not bothered by masculine sexuality either (after training myself out of being so for a long while). I haven’t met any transgendered folk, but they have my support.